Just before Christmas, when Scissor Sisters announced that they had a new single and a new album all ready to go in 2012 and the single is called ‘Shady Love’ featuring Azealia Banks and would be getting its first play on January 2nd (ie. today) we were practically shivering with anticipation - new Scissor Sisters material is always an event.
We were somewhat perplexed then, when this track hit our eardrums an hour or so ago.
Shady Love (Clean) by Scissor Sisters Official
Jake Shears rapping? What are we to make of that?
Well, a few plays later we’ve decided that we quite like ‘Shady Love’. We like Scissor Sisters best when they’re being fun and ‘Shady Love’ is definitely high on the fun spectrum.
As an aside - the track is officially billed as Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy. While most sites are reporting that Krystal Pepsy is Azealia’s pseudonym on this track, we’re sure that Jake Shears has a side DJ project under the same name. WHO IS KRYSTAL PEPSY?
Lana Del Rey is basically everywhere right now, so we’re jumping on the bandwagon and honouring her success the only way we do best - with a Love Machine Screencap Review…
The video opens on this scene of Lana hugging a man with lots of tattoos in front of an American flag. Very patriotic.
We then see Lana sitting apathetically on a throne in some fancy church palace thing with her pet tigers…
…before the scene switches to Lana meeting up with Tattoo Guy in the middle of nowhere under a rather ominous sky.
Amazing flower hat crown alert!
Lana and Tattoo Guy get all up on each other (as the kids say) in the car, which doesn’t look really big enough for the purpose.
A shot of a fancy ceiling.
Lana and Tattoo Guy smoke a roll up cigarette that may or may not have extra ingredients in. We don’t know. We don’t like to speculate.
In the church palace, one of Lana’s tigers quite fancies a bathroom break.
Tattoo Guy makes gun fingers at Lana’s head…
…and then gets quite forceful and she doesn’t look like she’s having fun anymore.
The scene changes to Lana lying on a bed. We get funeral home vibes from the flowers.
Suddenly, Tattoo Guy appears behind her on the bed…
…but Lana doesn’t seem happy to see him. Maybe she prefers being the Big Spoon?
They get off the bed and Lana stands in front of a door looking like a tragic bride while Tattoo Guy stands in the background looking sinister.
Then they get in a car and drive down a dark road. Watch out for random boulders.
Lana dramatically wipes condensation from her window. We do this in the car too, and pretend we’re in a music video. We’re jealous of Lana living our dream.
Tattoo Guy is lingering in the background again with that sinister air about him.
Church palace Queen Lana makes a cut-throat gesture with her thumb.
Back in the car, Tattoo Guy stops driving to kiss Lana instead. Boulders or no boulders, this is not going to end well :(
Another gratuitous ceiling shot.
Queen Lana’s tigers are lying down looking thoroughly bored. Or maybe they’re sad. Because they know this story won’t have a happy ending. Can tigers sense death? Or is that strictly a dog thing?
More ceiling porn. Seriously - what’s with all the ceiling shots?
Lana walks down a fancy corridor. Where is she going? No one knows.
An inevitable conclusion :( And really quite graphic actually. There should be a Parental Advisory sticker over her FACE.
The camera zooms out, silhouetting Tattoo Guy against the flames. Epic.
The video ends as it began. We don’t understand the significance, but it’s nice to complete the circle.
And that, as they say, is that. But what do we think of the video as a whole? Well, it’s cinematically wonderful really. Very sumptuous and dramatic and dark - kinda like how Lady Gaga used to be when her videos were as brilliant as the ‘Paparazzi’ one. Well done, Lana.
The X Factor final takes place this weekend, and even though this series has probably been the worst in X Factor history, the final 3 are all quite good.
The following are more like our demands, to be honest, as the British public is quite literally un-fucking-predictable when it comes to a vote - how the HELL did we end up with Matt Cardle as last year’s winner for sobbing aloud? - but if events happen to work out in the way we want, we’ll claim WE CALLED IT until the end of time.
THIRD PLACE
The mum vote, because isn’t Marcus just so nice? SO nice. Someone said Marcus was “a brown Ray Quinn” and now we can’t unsee it. It doesn’t help that his mentor is the Prince Of Boring, Gary Barlow, but has Marcus done even one remarkable performance all series?
SECOND PLACE
Truthfully, if Amelia Lily hadn’t had a convenient lucky shortcut to the last few stages of the competition would she be in the final? Probably not. She would have crashed out round 5, TreyC Cohen style, probably to Kitty. The girl has some pipes on her though, no doubt and she has the look marketing types give a big thumbs up to. Thing is - have you heard how she narrates her VTs? There’s no personality there at all! Still, we’d rather no personality than a smarming “aren’t I nice to your nan” personality *cough* Marcus.
FIRST PLACE - WINNERS!!!
In week one, we probably weren’t alone in thinking that Rhythmix (as they were then called) would suffer the same fate as all other X Factor girlbands - a swift exit in either week one or two. Against all odds, not only have Little Mix made it to the final, they have NEVER been in the bottom 2. This is absolutely unprecedented for X Factor and it is vital that they now win the entire competition. The UK is ready for an X Factor girlband. WE ARE READY.
Diana Vickers is back with a new song called ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ which we’re told you can have as a free download if you sign up to her mailing list. Worth the effort?
If you can get past Diana’s “quirky” (read: damn irritating) vocal then yes, it’s worth the effort. It’s a charming little pop number co-written by Donkeyboy with whimsical lyrics and sweet 80s synths. Chorus could have done with a bit of a boost though.
We don’t like ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ as much as we really quite liked My Wicked Heart but we imagine this will please Vickers fans who have been waiting quite a while for new material.
Listen below:
Is there anything Cheryl Cole can’t do (or won’t put her name to?) This week saw the launch of her very first shoe collection for Stylist Pick and while most of us would rather she released a new album and everyone crosses their fingers for that Girls Aloud reunion, it looks like that as with everything Cheryl touches - The X Factor USA excepted - her first foray into fashion will turn to gold.
We know these sidelines are considered almost rites of passage for popstars of a certain calibre, but when should they have just stuck to the day job? Fear not readers. Love Machine have come up with a scientific way to decide which musicians are cut out for style and which should just stick to making music. Basically we shout YES or NO, but there’s some science in there somewhere…
GWEN STEFANI - L.A.M.B
Already off to a promising start due to the fact that Gwen named her fashion label after her rather excellent first solo album, as far as we know this is positively thriving. There is also a less expensive spin-off line, Harujuku Lovers which started as “kawaii” focused clothes for teenage fans and is now the brand under which Gwen’s fragrances are released. This year, Gwen also launched Harujuku Mini for children. Meanwhile, there is no sign of the new No Doubt album or a third Gwen solo record… We’ll have to dock points for that.
LM verdict? SUCCESSFUL AT BOTH
BEYONCE - HOUSE OF DEREON
We don’t think anyone other than Beyoncé, her mum and her sister actually wear House Of Dereon, and we’re pretty sure that even Solange quit this ish a long time ago. Considering how even the weakest Beyoncé output is celebrated to a crazy degree, it’s kinda weird that her clothing line would be such a flop. Why aren’t women everywhere queuing round the block to get some of that bootylicious magic?
LM verdict? INCONSEQUENTIAL
VICTORIA BECKHAM - VICTORIA BECKHAM
Victoria Beckham is notorious in pop circles for being the only Spice Girl who failed to achieve a solo #1. It seems that Vicky B’s failure to kick start her music career galvanised her real ambition to be a fashion designer because nowadays Victoria Beckham is a respected label worn by many a celebrity for TV appearances and red carpet events. It’s been a bit of a struggle to get there (does anyone remember those tacky Rock & Republic jeans from 2004?) but we’re sure Posh reckons it was all well worth the effort.
LM verdict? BETTER OFF IN FASHION
JENNIFER LOPEZ - JLO
Despite having the most colourful logo of everyone on our list, Jennifer Lopez didn’t do fantastically with her clothing line. In fact there were two - JLO and Sweetface - which adhered to J.Lo’s fashion sense at the time - we seem to remember there was a VELOUR TRACKSUIT in the first collection - but neither have survived. JLO wrapped in 2007 and Sweetface also closed down production in 2009. Jennifer has recently admitted that she didn’t have a clue what she was doing when she launched these labels, but that’s no excuse really, is it Jenny? Apparently a collection for teens still exists called JustSweet but that’s no good for us when we’re shopping for our next Club Love Machine outfit :(
LM verdict? STICK TO BEING A POPSTAR
JESSICA SIMPSON - THE JESSICA SIMPSON COLLECTION
Jessica Simpson hasn’t really been anything but tabloid fodder since her break up with Nick Lachey, but did you know her fashion line, the Jessica Simpson Collection was projected to generate $1 BILLION this year? Now, Jessica’s musical career isn’t actually anything to sniff at (she’s had two multi-platinum selling albums) but clearly fashion was where her talent lay all along. This from the girl who thought tuna was chicken. The mind boggles.
LM verdict? BETTER OFF IN FASHION
