So, Whitney. The show is over.
What can we add to the reams of tributes from fellow stars, the deep and thoughtful analysis of her contribution to music and the sad story of her decline?
It is this.
1. We have never had a Love Machine where we didn’t play I Wanna Dance With Somebody, and we never will.
2. Even her last album where she’d fallen apart a bit contained Million Dollar Bill, which was better than most artists’ career output.
3. We should have played So Emotional a lot more. We will rectify this in future.
4. Only a couple of weeks ago we spent around 2 hours listening purely to Whitney power ballads and they are all astonishing.
5. Whit Tuesday should be renamed Whitney Tuesday. Get one of those online petitions going please someone.
Whitney Houston 1963-2012.
Just before Christmas, when Scissor Sisters announced that they had a new single and a new album all ready to go in 2012 and the single is called ‘Shady Love’ featuring Azealia Banks and would be getting its first play on January 2nd (ie. today) we were practically shivering with anticipation - new Scissor Sisters material is always an event.
We were somewhat perplexed then, when this track hit our eardrums an hour or so ago.
Shady Love (Clean) by Scissor Sisters Official
Jake Shears rapping? What are we to make of that?
Well, a few plays later we’ve decided that we quite like ‘Shady Love’. We like Scissor Sisters best when they’re being fun and ‘Shady Love’ is definitely high on the fun spectrum.
As an aside - the track is officially billed as Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy. While most sites are reporting that Krystal Pepsy is Azealia’s pseudonym on this track, we’re sure that Jake Shears has a side DJ project under the same name. WHO IS KRYSTAL PEPSY?
Lana Del Rey is basically everywhere right now, so we’re jumping on the bandwagon and honouring her success the only way we do best - with a Love Machine Screencap Review…
The video opens on this scene of Lana hugging a man with lots of tattoos in front of an American flag. Very patriotic.
We then see Lana sitting apathetically on a throne in some fancy church palace thing with her pet tigers…
…before the scene switches to Lana meeting up with Tattoo Guy in the middle of nowhere under a rather ominous sky.
Amazing flower hat crown alert!
Lana and Tattoo Guy get all up on each other (as the kids say) in the car, which doesn’t look really big enough for the purpose.
A shot of a fancy ceiling.
Lana and Tattoo Guy smoke a roll up cigarette that may or may not have extra ingredients in. We don’t know. We don’t like to speculate.
In the church palace, one of Lana’s tigers quite fancies a bathroom break.
Tattoo Guy makes gun fingers at Lana’s head…
…and then gets quite forceful and she doesn’t look like she’s having fun anymore.
The scene changes to Lana lying on a bed. We get funeral home vibes from the flowers.
Suddenly, Tattoo Guy appears behind her on the bed…
…but Lana doesn’t seem happy to see him. Maybe she prefers being the Big Spoon?
They get off the bed and Lana stands in front of a door looking like a tragic bride while Tattoo Guy stands in the background looking sinister.
Then they get in a car and drive down a dark road. Watch out for random boulders.
Lana dramatically wipes condensation from her window. We do this in the car too, and pretend we’re in a music video. We’re jealous of Lana living our dream.
Tattoo Guy is lingering in the background again with that sinister air about him.
Church palace Queen Lana makes a cut-throat gesture with her thumb.
Back in the car, Tattoo Guy stops driving to kiss Lana instead. Boulders or no boulders, this is not going to end well :(
Another gratuitous ceiling shot.
Queen Lana’s tigers are lying down looking thoroughly bored. Or maybe they’re sad. Because they know this story won’t have a happy ending. Can tigers sense death? Or is that strictly a dog thing?
More ceiling porn. Seriously - what’s with all the ceiling shots?
Lana walks down a fancy corridor. Where is she going? No one knows.
An inevitable conclusion :( And really quite graphic actually. There should be a Parental Advisory sticker over her FACE.
The camera zooms out, silhouetting Tattoo Guy against the flames. Epic.
The video ends as it began. We don’t understand the significance, but it’s nice to complete the circle.
And that, as they say, is that. But what do we think of the video as a whole? Well, it’s cinematically wonderful really. Very sumptuous and dramatic and dark - kinda like how Lady Gaga used to be when her videos were as brilliant as the ‘Paparazzi’ one. Well done, Lana.
The X Factor final takes place this weekend, and even though this series has probably been the worst in X Factor history, the final 3 are all quite good.
The following are more like our demands, to be honest, as the British public is quite literally un-fucking-predictable when it comes to a vote - how the HELL did we end up with Matt Cardle as last year’s winner for sobbing aloud? - but if events happen to work out in the way we want, we’ll claim WE CALLED IT until the end of time.
THIRD PLACE
The mum vote, because isn’t Marcus just so nice? SO nice. Someone said Marcus was “a brown Ray Quinn” and now we can’t unsee it. It doesn’t help that his mentor is the Prince Of Boring, Gary Barlow, but has Marcus done even one remarkable performance all series?
SECOND PLACE
Truthfully, if Amelia Lily hadn’t had a convenient lucky shortcut to the last few stages of the competition would she be in the final? Probably not. She would have crashed out round 5, TreyC Cohen style, probably to Kitty. The girl has some pipes on her though, no doubt and she has the look marketing types give a big thumbs up to. Thing is - have you heard how she narrates her VTs? There’s no personality there at all! Still, we’d rather no personality than a smarming “aren’t I nice to your nan” personality *cough* Marcus.
FIRST PLACE - WINNERS!!!
In week one, we probably weren’t alone in thinking that Rhythmix (as they were then called) would suffer the same fate as all other X Factor girlbands - a swift exit in either week one or two. Against all odds, not only have Little Mix made it to the final, they have NEVER been in the bottom 2. This is absolutely unprecedented for X Factor and it is vital that they now win the entire competition. The UK is ready for an X Factor girlband. WE ARE READY.
Diana Vickers is back with a new song called ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ which we’re told you can have as a free download if you sign up to her mailing list. Worth the effort?
If you can get past Diana’s “quirky” (read: damn irritating) vocal then yes, it’s worth the effort. It’s a charming little pop number co-written by Donkeyboy with whimsical lyrics and sweet 80s synths. Chorus could have done with a bit of a boost though.
We don’t like ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ as much as we really quite liked My Wicked Heart but we imagine this will please Vickers fans who have been waiting quite a while for new material.
Listen below:
