So… Kelly Rowland’s album didn’t sell too good, and Beyoncé is NOT happy about it.
We couldn’t count you all the hilarious moments, but when Rihanna pops up to say that she can only talk to Kelly overseas is a highlight.
Nicola Roberts is releasing ‘Yo-Yo’ as the third single from her album Cinderella’s Eyes, and just like we did for ‘Beat Of My Drum’ we’ve broken it all down for you through a series of screencaps and added some ~funny captions. Enjoy!
The video opens with a man doing some very nifty yo-yo tricks. The only yo-yo trick we know is “walk the dog”.
Nicola is trying on different outfits for us to judge, we presume. 8/10.
Nice twirl. 5/10.
How very princess-like. 9/10.
“I’m not wearing these shoes they make me cankley.”
Nicola applies some make up. If this was a Britney video, there would be some serious product placement going on right now. Missed opportunity to plug Dainty Doll here.
“Does my bum look big in this?”
“I’m not wearing these shoes either - they give me blisters!”
“Oh fuck, I’ve thrown one of those parties where everyone just hangs out in the kitchen.”
Then we see a couple walking down a street in the dark. They look cute together. Aww.
The guy doing nifty tricks makes the yo-yo jump off its own string. Amazing.
Wait, the guy in the couple from earlier is actually Nicola’s man? We don’t like where this is heading…
HAHAHAHAHAHA. This guy.
“Argh! Why are you all up in my business when I’m trying to dance to camera?”
“Seriously, if you throw me off my groove one more time, I’ll have your balls on toast.”
Behind Nicola’s back, her boyfriend and the girl who we’re now gonna call SLAGFACE are making bedroom eyes at each other. Sads :(
Weird prison shower moment.
These two girls on the left are the best “friends of popstar in a music video” since Accordion Player and Dolphin Hand Girl from Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ video.
Nicola gives some fantastic “singing through a mouthful of shower water” face. What a trooper.
“Listen, I’m well in love with you and stuff. Like that Natasha Bedingfield song. But do you fancy me back though? I don’t know if you fancy me back…”
Nicola walks in on her boyfriend and SLAGFACE pashing outside her flat.
Nicola does some crouch down, head-in-hands crying :(
Nicola and her boyfriend have an argument in the kitchen. It looks like he’s bought her some flowers. Probably from a petrol station forecourt. “These smell like FUEL!”
“TAKE THEM BACK YOU *censored* *censored* *censored* waste of space, pathetic *censored*…”
“…why don’t you just *censored* *censored* *censored* with a *censored* satsuma and then *censored* yourself in the EAR with a *censored* *censored* hair brush and have a *censored* plate to the face and all!”
“PS. YOUR MUM.”
Then Nicola does some crying in the shower. The End.
We love Nicola and we love this video. Shame about the dress she chose to wear in the end though…
It’s a slow week for new releases - we’re not particularly enamoured with anything due to hit the charts on Sunday, and besides, Rihanna will probably be #1 again anyway.
With that said, if you’ve got 99p there are worse songs you could spend it on than The X Factor Finalists 2011 (featuring JLS & One Direction) and their cover of ‘Wishing On A Star’ - a song that proves to be so brilliant, not even that motley crew could balls it up. True, the JLS & One Direction “feature” (all of the last 20 seconds of it) is just a cynical way to get more teenage girls to cough up their cash, but in an odd way we kinda like the “JLS! 1D!” cry that heralds their appearance. Most importantly, all proceeds will go to the children’s charity Together For Short Lives. If you caught the VT before the performance of this on Sunday night’s show, you’ll agree that this is a very worthy cause.
In less heart-rending corners, Emeli Sandé releases her second solo single, and her first since bagging a #1 with Professor Green on ‘Read All About It’. There’s a stark franticness to ‘Daddy’ feat. Naughty Boy, but it’s not even close to the epicness of ‘Heaven’. Still, Emeli has an incredibly listenable voice which makes the non-event chorus far more eventful than it should be.
StooShe drop ‘Betty Woz Gone’ in their attempt to become the girl band that sticks. With The Saturdays making a dismal showing on both the album and singles chart, the Girls Aloud reunion allegedly being delayed and the skeletons of the careers of RD, the Sugababes, Soundgirl and Parade being picked apart by pop vulture fanatics along the roadside, the time has never been more ripe for a girl group to make a massive splash. This gutsy, profanity-riddled effort that sounds as if it was lifted from the soundtrack of a streetwise West End musical and even nods to the theme tune from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air probably won’t make more than a ripple, which is a shame. On the other hand, when Little Mix win the X Factor in a couple of weeks, we won’t be mourning these lesser girl groups so much.
Finally, Lady Gaga’s ‘A Very Gaga Holiday’ EP hit UK iTunes towards the end of last week and as you might be able to tell from our Pick of the Day, we’re a tiny bit in love with it. Gaga’s voice is completely breathtaking throughout, and superfans will appreciate the opportunity to own a legitimate copy of her gorgeous cover of ‘Orange Coloured Sky’.
Lady Gaga - ‘The Edge Of Glory’ from A Very Gaga Thanksgiving
Jennifer Lopez was the Queen of the American Music Awards last night with this incredible medley of songs taken from her latest album LOVE?
Amazing popstar checklist:
- head mic (check)
- at least one costume change mid-performance (check)
- dance break (check)
- car prop (check)
- walk on by guest “rapper” (check)
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.
