Love Machine

Yes, we don’t normally *do* weekends, but Lady Gaga’s latest record Born This Way is now OUT THERE. Whether you’ve been legally streaming it on Metro or illegally downloading it, putting it on your iPod and listening to it through your Heartbeats as you go about your daily business, you’ve probably heard it by now. Here at Love Machine we have decided that the fairest way to bring you the most correct opinion (ours) is to rate the tracks individually and then add those ratings together to give an average rating out of 10.

What’s more, for those of you who are busy, undecided, or like to cherry-pick the best of the best and curate your own playlist, we have ordered the tracks into nifty little groups, ordered from best to last. Love Machine - doing the hard work, so you don’t have to. *cheesy wink*

THE PINNACLE OF POP PERFECTION - MUST LISTEN

‘The Edge Of Glory’ - 9/10
Without a doubt the greatest triumph of the album and possibly of Gaga’s career. As the Lady herself states “it starts with a heartbeat and ends with a flatline” - it’s a thrilling last stand, your lifetime flashing before your eyes, the ecstasy of stepping in to the bright light at the end of a tunnel… From the unhinged, drunken passion in Gaga’s voice to that saxophone interlude, it’s completely and utterly sublime.

‘Yoü And I’ - 9/10
Seemingly divisive in the fanbase (some love it, others hate it) here at Love Machine, ‘Yoü And I’ is the only other track on Born This Way to receive a 9/10 rating. Perhaps scoring so highly because it’s a refreshing change of pace from the heavy handed production that is characteristic of this album, it is a piano track at its core. There’s an oddly honky-tonk synth throughout, punctuated by a rhythmic drum beat and the odd surge of rock guitar. Adele manages to hold her monopoly on heartbreak, but for those of us who like to drink bottles of whiskey as we reminisce about past lovers before smashing them against the walls and crying into the shards, ‘Yoü And I’ is more appropriate.


EXCELLENT - YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM A GO

‘Judas’ - 8/10
Ahh, ‘Judas’. The criminal underperformance of this single is an injustice we’re taking quite personally. Part of the family tree that began with ‘Poker Face’ which begat ‘Bad Romance’, ‘Judas’ is like the Tank Girl incarnation of its predecessors. ‘Bad Romance’ in an armoured vehicle. ‘Poker Face’ with a bad attitude. It’s bold, and cocky and it just doesn’t give a fuck. While the biblical allegories are slightly off-base, it’s got such a bitchin’ vibe you can ignore the factual inaccuracies. Y’know, if you even gave a shit about such things in the first place.

‘Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)’ - 8/10
It’s got a bloody ridiculous title, but oh. my. goodness that bassline! The chorus is anthemic and unifying - paws up, little monsters - and holds lyrical gems such as “get your hot rods ready to rumble, ‘cause we’re gonna fall in love tonight”. The pace accelerates and cruises at will… we’re not sure how it’s possible for a song to make you feel like you’re actually riding down a highway at night, dripping cigarette ash and inhibition as you go, but Gaga has achieved it here.

‘Bad Kids’ - 8/10
There’s nothing particularly outstanding or spectacular about ‘Bad Kids’ but what it does very effectively is reawaken the rebellious teenager that resides in all of us. The intro sounds exactly how we imagine a young Stefani Germanotta sounded during the “Kevin the Teenager” phase we all experience in our youth. Screaming in the raw part of your throat. The verses are defiantly heavy with guitar but the chorus is light and almost frothy… Remember when you listened to heavy metal bands because you’d discovered “real music” but still had Kylie CDs stashed somewhere secret because pop was truly where your heart was? Yep, ‘Bad Kids’ is one angsty, wrought, hormone stew of a song.

PRETTY GOOD - THESE SONGS ARE PROBABLY GROWERS

‘Scheiße’ - 7/10
Beginning with Gaga reciting nonsense German phrases acapella before the techno synth kicks in, ‘Scheiße’ will probably make more sense on the dancefloor. The lyrics don’t have much depth, but the message is vaguely feminist, with Gaga wishing to be strong without your shit etc. It’s a snappy little earworm of a track with some great house riffs breaking up the techno-disco.

‘Marry The Night’ - 7/10
This track really kicks off in the last minute or so where it cuts to handclaps before building back into a super funky outro with Gaga abrasively ad-libbing all over the place. The hook isn’t the strongest, but it has adrenalin-fuelled appeal, vibing almost ghoulishly like a frenetic street-fight sequel to ‘Dance In The Dark’. And the wedding bell synths underlying the instrumental are a definite highlight.

‘Heavy Metal Lover’ - 7/10
It has an intro like an old dial-up connection and layered vocals that have Gaga alternately sounding like a coy Lolita-esque ingenue and a worldly seductress purring phrases such as “dirty pony, I can’t wait to hose you down.” Of all the tracks on the album, ‘Heavy Metal Lover’ is probably the most sparse and least interesting in terms of the production, which is probably the reason it doesn’t click instantly. It has a filthy tone, however, which gets under your skin on repeated listens.

GOOD - SHRUG AND CARRY ON

‘Hair’ - 6/10
There’s a saxophone on this song - it’s almost as though Gaga decided one night that saxophone was her new favourite thing and she wanted saxophone EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. It’s not working here and it does drag the track down. It has a similar feel to ‘Born This Way’ - same kind of build into the chorus, same “I am what I am” lyrics, same kitchen sink production. It’s not entirely without merit, and it’s certainly not dreadful but it doesn’t urge you to go back and listen again and again.

‘Born This Way’ - 6/10
So many words have been spoken about this song already, and while Team Love Machine remain fairly apathetic, the success of ‘Born This Way’ cannot be denied. The ‘Express Yourself’ comparison is completely impossible to ignore (reaches for Marilyn Monroe lighter) but there are definitely worse songs to be styled after. Best case scenario: it’s a great update for the 21st century with a message that makes emo kids everywhere feel liberated. How can something that pure be wrong?

‘Electric Chapel’ - 6/10
The verses are a heavier rock version of a 90s pop song by a Swedish group (specifically ‘My Favourite Game’, specifically The Cardigans) which is obviously no bad thing, but the chorus fails to impact, meaning the track tends to meander rather than explode. Heavy on the religious imagery, it’s yet another song that comes alive in the final minute with Gaga singing over a wobbly guitar seguing into a subtle yet galloping drum beat and then ending on one triumphant organ crescendo.

AVERAGE - YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP

‘Bloody Mary’ - 5/10
Gaga’s voice is great on this track, and while it is definitely one of the most melodic songs on the record, there’s also something very plodding about ‘Bloody Mary’. The monastic chanting of “Gaga” during the middle 8 is incredibly atmospheric, and the bridge is fantastic leaving the rest of the song feeling quite disappointingly cheesy. ‘Bloody Mary’ might perhaps have worked better as a more traditional ballad, and while it is by no means terrible, it’s not a stand out.

‘Americano’ - 5/10
The “Marmite” track. Every album needs one, and for Gaga it is ‘Americano’ that is splitting the vote. Team Love Machine were no exception (it received a 2/10 rating twice - “Serbian Eurovision entry!” was the cry, a 5/10, an 8/10 and a 10/10) coming second from last in the final score. It’s easy to see why it is divisive - it’s a hysterically frenetic Hispanic folk song that sounds more suited to a West End stage than a pop album. Like the product of a union between ‘America’ from West Side Story and Bette Midler’s ‘Mambo Italiano’ it’s the campest song on the album, and possibly of Gaga’s entire discography. Unfair maybe, to advise you to ignore this track, but we can’t say with certainty if you’ll love it or hate it.

‘Government Hooker’ - 5/10
The main problem with ‘Government Hooker’ is that it’s just not special. In fact, it’s a little bit annoying, especially for anyone who really rather enjoyed the Mugler remix as the studio version will is a bit flat in comparison. While perfectly listenable, it’s Gaga by numbers, from the ‘Monster’-esque instrumental to the heavy-handed CONTROVERSY!!! (“Put your hands on me…John F. Kennedy” - really?) and another track where the verses outshine the chorus.

Overall, Born This Way isn’t a perfect album but it’s hard to pick out flaws without being too pedantic. 80% brilliance, 10% risk, 7% dull and 3% confusion but 100% massive, it isn’t as focused as ‘The Fame’ or ‘The Fame Monster’ but it’s far more bombastic. The main jarring effect of listening to the record all the way through is finding yourself identifying so many other songs and elements of music, from the Come Dine With Me theme tune, through to a scene from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty by way of lots of familiar hits. If we could offer Gaga just one piece of constructive criticism to take with her to her next offering, we would advise her not to listen to her iPod as she falls asleep because when she wakes up in the morning, that’s not divine inspiration spinning roud in her brain, it’s subconscious plagiarism.