Ladies and gentlemen. This is crunch week for The Saturdays. They are about to either rescue their career, or be banished to the history of pop forever. It is THAT SERIOUS.
For those who haven’t been religiously following their progress (we don’t have anything better to do with our lives unfortunately), here is your Love Machine guide to The Saturdays’ career thus far:
-Amazing first album. Beautiful production, great songs. Sells around 350,000. Probably not enough to make their money back but, but hey, fantastic starting position in a new world where Girls Aloud are off being in films and getting malaria. Gives us the undisputed pop genius of Up, If This is Love, Work and the ‘really-should-have-been-a-single-but-quite-cool-that-it-wasn’t’ Chasing Lights.
-Given the Comic Relief single, they cover ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’. Massive publicity boost, mildly saucy video with hilariously out-of-sync-but-lovably-so dance routines, their version is actually not very good, but it’s a great song, so job done.
The next picture gives you a clue what happened next.
-As synth-pop rules the airwaves, and no-one likes guitars, naturally the first single from second album, ‘Forever is Over’ is written by James Bourne, is ‘rock-pop’ and sounds like a Busted B-side. Actually, not as good as a Busted B-side. Exacerbated by some horrible screeching vocals. Why, why, why a nation cries. Ronaldo is particularly upset by it all.
-Wordshaker, the second album is released. It is basically bloody awful bar the tracks ‘One Shot’ and ‘Ego’. The production is horrible. and The Sats try to outsing each other on every track with disastrous cat-like results. ‘One Shot’ and ‘Ego’ however are brilliant. ‘Ego’ is then a hit. In the Saturdays’ very own WTF JFK moment, ‘One Shot’ isn’t released.
-The album sells bugger all. Love Machine quietly weeps, convinced they will be dropped.
BUT
-Manager is fired, the band announce new mini-album/EP/something ‘Headlines’, featuring 3 tracks from Wordshaker (One Shot (yay!), Ego (yay!), Forever is Over (****)) and 5 brand new tracks (yay!).
-It is announced that the lead single is ‘Missing You’. Love Machine gets very excited. Very, very excited.
-However, ‘Missing You’ is a 5/10 track featuring some torturous dance routines and the most blatant product placement this side of the Pussycat Dolls (see if you can spot it, it’s in the first 30 seconds, blink and you’ll miss it)
Mollie is injured and can’t do promo.
The band are featured in one of the most uncomfortable interviews of all time.
Why why why a nation cries. How was this allowed to happen? New album tracks are revealed, all of them are better than Missing You. Love Machine weeps again.
BUT……what is this? The video has now had over a million hits. The track is currently at #2 on iTunes. The band are whoring themselves out to literally any show that will have them. Love Machine is never wrong, but could it be….a hit?…..
The advert for the album even has them looking fun again with the colours from the first album…..
Which way will it go readers?
PLEASE GOD LET THIS ALBUM SUCCEED, THEN CRACK ON WITH THE PROPER 3RD ALBUM WHICH WILL BE INCREDIBLE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Oh well, if it doesn’t, maybe Mollie can reform Fallen Angelz.
You’d never catch Cheryl and the girls being that despera…….oh
