Love Machine

So Emotional

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:05:28 +0000

So, Whitney. The show is over.

What can we add to the reams of tributes from fellow stars, the deep and thoughtful analysis of her contribution to music and the sad story of her decline?

It is this.

1. We have never had a Love Machine where we didn’t play I Wanna Dance With Somebody, and we never will.

2. Even her last album where she’d fallen apart a bit contained Million Dollar Bill, which was better than most artists’ career output.

3. We should have played So Emotional a lot more. We will rectify this in future.

4. Only a couple of weeks ago we spent around 2 hours listening purely to Whitney power ballads and they are all astonishing.

5. Whit Tuesday should be renamed Whitney Tuesday. Get one of those online petitions going please someone.

Whitney Houston 1963-2012.

Scissor Sisters are having a Rudebox moment

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:01:32 +0000

Just before Christmas, when Scissor Sisters announced that they had a new single and a new album all ready to go in 2012 and the single is called ‘Shady Love’ featuring Azealia Banks and would be getting its first play on January 2nd (ie. today) we were practically shivering with anticipation - new Scissor Sisters material is always an event.

We were somewhat perplexed then, when this track hit our eardrums an hour or so ago.

Shady Love (Clean) by Scissor Sisters Official

Jake Shears rapping? What are we to make of that?

Well, a few plays later we’ve decided that we quite like ‘Shady Love’. We like Scissor Sisters best when they’re being fun and ‘Shady Love’ is definitely high on the fun spectrum.

As an aside - the track is officially billed as Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy. While most sites are reporting that Krystal Pepsy is Azealia’s pseudonym on this track, we’re sure that Jake Shears has a side DJ project under the same name. WHO IS KRYSTAL PEPSY?

The Love Machine Screencap Review: Lana Del Rey - 'Born To Die'

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:48:37 +0000

Lana Del Rey is basically everywhere right now, so we’re jumping on the bandwagon and honouring her success the only way we do best - with a Love Machine Screencap Review…

The video opens on this scene of Lana hugging a man with lots of tattoos in front of an American flag. Very patriotic.

We then see Lana sitting apathetically on a throne in some fancy church palace thing with her pet tigers…

…before the scene switches to Lana meeting up with Tattoo Guy in the middle of nowhere under a rather ominous sky.

Amazing flower hat crown alert!

Lana and Tattoo Guy get all up on each other (as the kids say) in the car, which doesn’t look really big enough for the purpose.

A shot of a fancy ceiling.

Lana and Tattoo Guy smoke a roll up cigarette that may or may not have extra ingredients in. We don’t know. We don’t like to speculate.

In the church palace, one of Lana’s tigers quite fancies a bathroom break.

Tattoo Guy makes gun fingers at Lana’s head…

…and then gets quite forceful and she doesn’t look like she’s having fun anymore.

The scene changes to Lana lying on a bed. We get funeral home vibes from the flowers.

Suddenly, Tattoo Guy appears behind her on the bed…

…but Lana doesn’t seem happy to see him. Maybe she prefers being the Big Spoon?

They get off the bed and Lana stands in front of a door looking like a tragic bride while Tattoo Guy stands in the background looking sinister.

Then they get in a car and drive down a dark road. Watch out for random boulders.

Lana dramatically wipes condensation from her window. We do this in the car too, and pretend we’re in a music video. We’re jealous of Lana living our dream.

Tattoo Guy is lingering in the background again with that sinister air about him.

Church palace Queen Lana makes a cut-throat gesture with her thumb.

Back in the car, Tattoo Guy stops driving to kiss Lana instead. Boulders or no boulders, this is not going to end well :(

Another gratuitous ceiling shot.

Queen Lana’s tigers are lying down looking thoroughly bored. Or maybe they’re sad. Because they know this story won’t have a happy ending. Can tigers sense death? Or is that strictly a dog thing?

More ceiling porn. Seriously - what’s with all the ceiling shots?

Lana walks down a fancy corridor. Where is she going? No one knows.

An inevitable conclusion :( And really quite graphic actually. There should be a Parental Advisory sticker over her FACE.

The camera zooms out, silhouetting Tattoo Guy against the flames. Epic.

The video ends as it began. We don’t understand the significance, but it’s nice to complete the circle.

And that, as they say, is that. But what do we think of the video as a whole? Well, it’s cinematically wonderful really. Very sumptuous and dramatic and dark - kinda like how Lady Gaga used to be when her videos were as brilliant as the ‘Paparazzi’ one. Well done, Lana.

Our X Factor predictions...

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:59:52 +0000

The X Factor final takes place this weekend, and even though this series has probably been the worst in X Factor history, the final 3 are all quite good.

The following are more like our demands, to be honest, as the British public is quite literally un-fucking-predictable when it comes to a vote - how the HELL did we end up with Matt Cardle as last year’s winner for sobbing aloud? - but if events happen to work out in the way we want, we’ll claim WE CALLED IT until the end of time.

THIRD PLACE

The mum vote, because isn’t Marcus just so nice? SO nice. Someone said Marcus was “a brown Ray Quinn” and now we can’t unsee it. It doesn’t help that his mentor is the Prince Of Boring, Gary Barlow, but has Marcus done even one remarkable performance all series?

SECOND PLACE

Truthfully, if Amelia Lily hadn’t had a ~~convenient~~ lucky shortcut to the last few stages of the competition would she be in the final? Probably not. She would have crashed out round 5, TreyC Cohen style, probably to Kitty. The girl has some pipes on her though, no doubt and she has the look marketing types give a big thumbs up to. Thing is - have you heard how she narrates her VTs? There’s no personality there at all! Still, we’d rather no personality than a smarming “aren’t I nice to your nan” personality *cough* Marcus.

FIRST PLACE - WINNERS!!!

In week one, we probably weren’t alone in thinking that Rhythmix (as they were then called) would suffer the same fate as all other X Factor girlbands - a swift exit in either week one or two. Against all odds, not only have Little Mix made it to the final, they have NEVER been in the bottom 2. This is absolutely unprecedented for X Factor and it is vital that they now win the entire competition. The UK is ready for an X Factor girlband. WE ARE READY.

Music To Make The Boys Cry... No word on how the girls reacted.

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:00:27 +0000

Diana Vickers is back with a new song called ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ which we’re told you can have as a free download if you sign up to her mailing list. Worth the effort?

If you can get past Diana’s “quirky” (read: damn irritating) vocal then yes, it’s worth the effort. It’s a charming little pop number co-written by Donkeyboy with whimsical lyrics and sweet 80s synths. Chorus could have done with a bit of a boost though.

We don’t like ‘Music To Make The Boys Cry’ as much as we really quite liked My Wicked Heart but we imagine this will please Vickers fans who have been waiting quite a while for new material.

Listen below:

Music To Make The Boys Cry by mdstmgmt

Stick To The Day Job?

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:36:49 +0000

Is there anything Cheryl Cole can’t do (or won’t put her name to?) This week saw the launch of her very first shoe collection for Stylist Pick and while most of us would rather she released a new album and everyone crosses their fingers for that Girls Aloud reunion, it looks like that as with everything Cheryl touches - The X Factor USA excepted - her first foray into fashion will turn to gold.

We know these sidelines are considered almost rites of passage for popstars of a certain calibre, but when should they have just stuck to the day job? Fear not readers. Love Machine have come up with a scientific way to decide which musicians are cut out for style and which should just stick to making music. Basically we shout YES or NO, but there’s some science in there somewhere…

GWEN STEFANI - L.A.M.B

Already off to a promising start due to the fact that Gwen named her fashion label after her rather excellent first solo album, as far as we know this is positively thriving. There is also a less expensive spin-off line, Harujuku Lovers which started as “kawaii” focused clothes for teenage fans and is now the brand under which Gwen’s fragrances are released. This year, Gwen also launched Harujuku Mini for children. Meanwhile, there is no sign of the new No Doubt album or a third Gwen solo record… We’ll have to dock points for that.
LM verdict? SUCCESSFUL AT BOTH

BEYONCE - HOUSE OF DEREON

We don’t think anyone other than Beyoncé, her mum and her sister actually wear House Of Dereon, and we’re pretty sure that even Solange quit this ish a long time ago. Considering how even the weakest Beyoncé output is celebrated to a crazy degree, it’s kinda weird that her clothing line would be such a flop. Why aren’t women everywhere queuing round the block to get some of that bootylicious magic?
LM verdict? INCONSEQUENTIAL

VICTORIA BECKHAM - VICTORIA BECKHAM

Victoria Beckham is notorious in pop circles for being the only Spice Girl who failed to achieve a solo #1. It seems that Vicky B’s failure to kick start her music career galvanised her real ambition to be a fashion designer because nowadays Victoria Beckham is a respected label worn by many a celebrity for TV appearances and red carpet events. It’s been a bit of a struggle to get there (does anyone remember those tacky Rock & Republic jeans from 2004?) but we’re sure Posh reckons it was all well worth the effort.
LM verdict? BETTER OFF IN FASHION

JENNIFER LOPEZ - JLO

Despite having the most colourful logo of everyone on our list, Jennifer Lopez didn’t do fantastically with her clothing line. In fact there were two - JLO and Sweetface - which adhered to J.Lo’s fashion sense at the time - we seem to remember there was a VELOUR TRACKSUIT in the first collection - but neither have survived. JLO wrapped in 2007 and Sweetface also closed down production in 2009. Jennifer has recently admitted that she didn’t have a clue what she was doing when she launched these labels, but that’s no excuse really, is it Jenny? Apparently a collection for teens still exists called JustSweet but that’s no good for us when we’re shopping for our next Club Love Machine outfit :(
LM verdict? STICK TO BEING A POPSTAR

JESSICA SIMPSON - THE JESSICA SIMPSON COLLECTION

Jessica Simpson hasn’t really been anything but tabloid fodder since her break up with Nick Lachey, but did you know her fashion line, the Jessica Simpson Collection was projected to generate $1 BILLION this year? Now, Jessica’s musical career isn’t actually anything to sniff at (she’s had two multi-platinum selling albums) but clearly fashion was where her talent lay all along. This from the girl who thought tuna was chicken. The mind boggles.
LM verdict? BETTER OFF IN FASHION

Love Machine's REAL Sound Of 2012 (Part 2)

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:28:55 +0000

In part one of our REAL Sound Of 2012 we looked at already established and establishing artists, but in part two, we’re all about the newbies. These acts are the ones we’re supporting in 2012 and hoping they’ll go all the way to the top.

BUBBLING UNDER

OH MY!

Alex and Jade have been on the pop radar for the better part of the year, but they are yet to make their big splash which is why we’ve categorised them as Bubbling Under. The girls did a great DJ spot at Club Love Machine which proved that if nothing else, they certainly know a great pop tune or two, but they’ve also more than impressed us with their first single ‘Dirty Dancer’ which is one of the best pop songs of the year. Hopefully their connections with mentor Example will see them smash the mainstream in 2012.

JESSIE AND THE TOY BOYS

Jessie Malakouti used to be a Xenomania act and supported The Saturdays on tour. She then reinvented as Jessie And The Toy Boys - which is less a band and more Jessie and a bunch of mannequins - and started releasing some really punchy electropop. Earlier in the year she joined Britney Spears on her US tour and after that we’re not quite sure what’s going on. The music is more than decent though - check out ‘Push It’, ‘Money Makes The Girl Go Round’ and ‘5 O’ Clock’ with Doctor Rosen Rosen.

SIMON CURTIS

We were quite taken with Simon’s single ‘Superhero’ earlier in the year, and the album it was taken from, R∆, was a decent listen too. As far as we can tell, Simon now has management but still no label, so who knows what will happen for him in 2012. He hasn’t done too badly as an “indie” popstar, releasing his first album as a free download and accumulating a solid fanbase. There aren’t that many male popstars doing what Simon is doing, and we’d like for there to be, which is why we hope things will kick up a gear in 2012.

BRIGHT LIGHT BRIGHT LIGHT

Still obsessed with ‘Disco Moment’ probably until our dying day. We know that there’s an album on the horizon, and that all the loose ends are being tied up probably as we speak, but when will it actually be released? We’re in the dark :( Bright Light Bright Light (aka Rod Thomas) is a master at creating big, theatrical epics through his music, which is why we like him. You know those end of the night songs that have you making dramatic poses and singing along at the top of your voice while holding back the tears? That’s what we’re talking about here.

BREAKOUT STARS

LUMINITES

Luminites have us very excited. Their song ‘All Dressed Up’ is very good and the band are incredibly talented. They have a beatboxer! In all seriousness, we know very little of what they have planned for their attack on 2012 but they have partnered with Centrepoint to raise money for homeless young people this Christmas with their cover of ‘Streets Of London’ which is slightly cheesy but highlights the fact that they can really sing. Of everyone on our REAL Sound Of list, we’d most like Luminites to do well for themselves.

MNEK

Whether or not 2012 will see MNEK become a star in his own right remains to be seen, but certainly in the backstage magic areas of songwriting and production, all signs point to a good year. Having already landed a #3 single as co-writer on ‘All Fired Up’ on The Saturdays and been named by The Guardian as one of the 10 producers of the new generation, things can surely only get better?

LAWSON

The music is suitable for grown ups, but Andy, Ryan, Joel and Adam are so good-looking that it’s no wonder they have a strong female fan showing. They went the “indie” route by uploading acoustic videos to YouTube and playing as many gigs as they could, before signing to a major label and looking set to take over in 2012. Their pop rock leanings aren’t exactly tailored to a Love Machine audience (there’s more guitar and no synth, for a start) but at the same time they have a big stadium-pop sound with great sing-a-long hooks that we find irresistible.

DARE TO DREAM

RACHEL STEVENS

We heard a rumour (read a random article) that suggested Rachel Stevens was back in the studio and looking to record new material for her legions of unsatiated pop fans who thought Come And Get It was basically the Holy Grail of music. The next thing we knew, there was new Rachel Stevens material but it wasn’t anything we would ever want on our iPods because it was literally music for children. We’d LOVE a Rachel Stevens comeback, even if she is the most boring woman in pop. The music was great, and that’s all that matters.

S CLUB

If Rachel hasn’t been in the studio for her own purposes, maybe she has been secretly getting things in gear for the S Club reunion which is definitely a real thing and not media fabrication based on the Steps comeback making everyone nostalgic for that early 2000s sound. An S Club return would probably be tainted a little bit by S Club 3’s “career”, but we’d still embrace it wholeheartedly. Especially if they could also reform the Juniors. With Una from The Saturdays having to take some time off to have a baby, Rochelle and Frankie would surely be able to commit, right?

GERI HALLIWELL

We know you’re probably staring at us like we’re crazy for wanting Geri Halliwell to return to music, but allow us to remind you that this is the woman who glued the Spice Girls together, performed at the Brit Awards once in a dress made out of a teatowel and a further time on a pole between giant inflatable legs and achieved four consecutive solo #1 singles on the UK chart - a feat no British female popstar has been able to match. Not even her more talented band mates. Geri Halliwell’s return to music (aided by long-time collaborators Absolute) will either be so bad it’s so good, so bad it’s bad…but still good, or actually genuinely fantastic. Where she slots in on the pop landscape right now is, well, nowhere, but for the novelty of nostalgia, we are truly anticipating this.

GIRLS ALOUD

It’s the reunion EVERYONE wants, desperately craves, dreams about even when they’re not asleep, would give their right arm for… Just us? Okay, well we know you guys want it too. Just maybe not as much. That’s cool. Now there’s nothing concrete confirmed (when is there ever?) but the tenth anniversary of the greatest British girl band since the Spice Girls will be rung in on November 30th 2012 and we’re hoping that we’ll be celebrating it in style with a brand new Girls Aloud song, with a new studio album in the works and a big long tour planned for the summer. The world is scheduled to end 21 days later, but wouldn’t they be the most glorious 21 days ever?

Love Machine's REAL Sound Of 2012 (Part 1)

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:03:21 +0000

The BBC Sound Of longlist was released yesterday and it’s the usual mix of obvious up and coming stars, will-they / won’t they make it acts and people you’ve never heard of. Thing is, rarely are these nominees the actual Sound Of an entire year - I mean, in 2011 we couldn’t move for Pitbull & Ne-Yo or LMFAO and they didn’t make any Sound Of lists. We’ve decided to predict the REAL Sound Of 2012, based on what will probably be unavoidable in shops, on the radio and come the first Friday of every month at Club Love Machine.

For part one, we’re looking at acts already on our radar who will be blowing up our speakers January to December. From returning old favourites to X Factor alumni, they’re going to be EVERYWHERE next year.

COMEBACK KIDS

MADONNA

Madonna’s first single for 3 years has already leaked in demo form onto the internet and honestly doesn’t sound anything like ‘Beat Of My Drum’ by Head Ginge In Charge Nicola Roberts no matter who tells you different. ‘Give Me All Your Love’ is a Martin Solveig production and it sounds very much like a Martin Solveig production - ie. light, bouncing and lots of fun. Madonna has been confirmed as half-time entertainment at the Super Bowl in February where she will be joined by M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj for the very first live performance of ‘Give Me All Your Love’. Beyond that, another studio album will follow quite soon afterwards with William Orbit also on production duties. Madonna albums are always a huge event and we can’t wait to hear it.

NO DOUBT

The long awaited No Doubt album which by rights we should already have by now, is looking more likely to be with us in the first half of next year. From what the band have revealed in interviews and judging from their tweets, the creative process has been a bit of a strain this time around, with a perfectionist attitude delaying the output. We of course don’t begrudge No Doubt for wanting everything to be just so, but we do wish they’d bloody hurry up with it. And if it could be a bit like ‘Hella Good’ mashed with all the most awesome parts from Gwen’s L.A.M.B. album that would be top notch.

CHERYL COLE

It’s been a tricky year for Ms. Cole. After being unceremoniously dumped from The X Factor USA she’s kept a fairly low profile, only emerging to put her face to charitable and fashion causes (Help The Heroes and her new shoe collection for Stylist Pick, for example). We know a new Cheryl album is coming though, because she’s now pon de Twitter and has been tweeting about it. We also know that she’s been working with people like Taio Cruz, Alex da Kid, Jim Beanz and of course, her manager, mentor and bff will.i.am. Will she improve on the 80% r&b-lite garbage she’s given us so far and deliver ‘Promise This’ x12? We fucking hope so.

STEPS

Now this is a true comeback in every sense of the word. Steps split acrimoniously back in 2001 and now, after ten years, they’ve returned to exorcise their demons and go back on the road for a truly unprecedented nationwide arena tour. Having initially sneered at the idea of a Steps reunion being successful, we had to humbly eat our words after becoming hooked on their Sky Living documentary and buying ourselves tickets to see the band next year. Whether this comeback will yield any new material from Steps, other than their cover of ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ we don’t know, but we’re definitely onboard for whatever comes next.

X FACTOR FINALISTS

LITTLE MIX

Favourites to win the competition on Sunday night, Little Mix have the potential to finally go all the way and fill that gaping girlband chasm left by the implosion of the Sugababes, the hibernation of Girls Aloud and the failure of The Saturdays to step up and take the throne. What we’d like to see with Little Mix is a killer pop/r&b single that allows them to absolutely own every other artist out there. Like their redefining performance of ‘Don’t Let Go (Love)’ by En Vogue. But an original song.

MISHA B

The Cher Lloyd of X Factor 2011, she never did manage to bounce back from those bullying allegations, but it was clearly obvious from week 1 that Misha B was already a fully-fledged popstar and X Factor wasn’t going to do much for her other than get her recognised. A solid urban-pop album from Misha B would slot very nicely into our iTunes somewhere alongside Missy Elliott and Jennifer Hudson. Rumour has it that she’s already lined up to work with Fazer from N-Dubz. We’d like to request Labrinth and Fraser T Smith too, thanks.

ALEXANDRA BURKE

Everything Alexandra Burke is confusing at the moment. We know absolutely nothing for certain about her next album campaign other than the fact that we know absolutely nothing for certain. Alexandra had some of the best singles of 2009 and 2010 though and so we have every confidence that 2012 will bring us more of the same. Okay.com. Thank you.

CHER LLOYD

Obnoxious teen-brat Cher Lloyd actually managed to pull it out of the bag in the album department and she hasn’t performed too badly on the singles front either. We expect next year to bring a lot more brash, balls out swagger-pop from the girl that puts dub on the track. BRING IT ON.

NEW-ISH KIDS ON THE BLOCK

LABRINTH

Famed for being the sound-whizz behind Tinie Tempah’s biggest hits, Labrinth released his first solo single ‘Let The Sun Shine’ in 2010 and then disappeared for a bit. No one could have known he would return in the last few months of 2011 with a monster tune like ‘Earthquake’ which is sonically incredible. His debut album is coming soon, and we fully expect it to be the next ‘21’. Except maybe not quite that successful.

EMELI SANDE

Emeli Sandé did an excellent job of establishing herself as hard-hitter in the last half of 2011 and if anything on her album is as good as ‘Heaven’, that reign will continue into 2012. Bet on it. She’s also been writing for Susan Boyle and Leona Lewis, extending her musical reach to the kind of people who listen to music by Susan Boyle and Leona Lewis… supermarket shoppers.

COVER DRIVE

‘Lick Ya Down’ was a top 10 hit for this Caribbean pop band that sound a bit like a Rihanna you can take home to meet your parents and we genuinely love their vibrant, tropical sound. If all goes to plan, they’ll be on every T4 and Capital line up possible throughout 2012.

Part 2 tomorrow…

Shocking scenes of plagiarism.

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:55:53 +0000

Shocking scenes of plagiarism.

The Love Machine Xmas Party - The Aftermath

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:16:00 +0000

How many Christmas parties this year will be offering you the opportunity to find yourself under the mistletoe with Cheryl Cole? Probably only ones thrown by Ms. Cole herself. And that’s why the Love Machine Xmas party last Friday was awesome - we give you what no one else can:

Click-through to see the photos from the night and tag yourself if you were there. If you missed out, don’t worry, we’ll be back again in the New Year to bring you the same kind of fun. Just with less baubles.

Chart Troublers

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:57:09 +0000

There seems to be a mad rush of biggish releases this week, presumably as artists push to chart before the X Factor cinch the #1. Are any of these releases any good? We’re about to tell you.

Do you remember Lloyd Daniels from a few series of X Factor ago? No, neither do we really. Other than the rumours he was dating Danyl Johnson (also from a few series of X Factor ago) he has been largely off the radar. We had no idea he was still interested in music, especially as at the time of his exit he seemed to be content with “just being a model or something”. Anyway, he has a single out this week called ‘Suburbian Girl’ which is very Olly Murs-esque. We’re not convinced by it, but judging by his fans on Twitter there’s a market for him nonetheless.

T-Pain set his vocoder to 11 for this Lily Allen sampled track, ‘5 O’ Clock’ which isn’t wholly dreadful, due largely to the quality of the sample. Wiz Khalifa also crops up for a verse but we’ve been allergic to him since the release of ‘Black & Yellow’ so we couldn’t tell you if he’s any good or not. In other rap quarters, Nicki Minaj dropped her buzz single ‘Roman In Moscow’ to start anticipation for her second studio album Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded. Nicki has said that her fans wanted a return to mixtape Nicki, and that’s what she’s tried to deliver. ‘Roman In Moscow’ definitely goes a lot harder than some of the hip-pop stuff on the first album and she has an incredibly varied flow. While Nicki has failed to make as much of a splash here as she has abroad, hopefully that will all change in 2012.

It seems unlikely that Estelle will ever hit the same level of “fame” she achieved with ‘American Boy’ but we’re charmed by ‘Back To Love’, an oddly warm dance-soul number about lessons learned from break ups. We had no idea Estelle was releasing new music until we looked at the schedule today, and we think it’s a shame this track hasn’t been given more visibility as it’s a great tune. Much like ‘Letter To My Ex’ by Tanya Lacey which is also nowhere to be seen in the iTunes Top 200. ‘Letter To My Ex’ has a fantastic classic British R&B sound which is possibly better suited to summer time driving with the top down than shivering cold December days, but we love it regardless.

In the heavyweight corner, it’s impact date for Katy Perry who releases ‘The One That Got Away’ this week. Katy’s chart position here in the UK is merely gravy for the main course - a 6th Billboard #1 and a historic record broken is her aim. It’s currently top 10 Stateside, so expect a remix and collaboration to be forthcoming to give it that final push. By the way, you can see our review of the video here.

SKIP TO THE 12 MINUTE MARK

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:56:48 +0000

That’s our advice to anyone thinking of giving up almost 14 minutes of their life to watch Lady Gaga’s new video for ‘Marry The Night’. Don’t waste your time. Just like the song itself nothing happens until the climax when it ALL GOES OFF.

We’re a little disappointed that the epic dance scene was ruined a bit by editing in other clips, but all in all, we like the franticness.

The Love Machine Xmas Party Extravaganza - TONIGHT!

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:01:00 +0000

From 9pm Concrete will turned in to a pop grotto of Christmas cheer for the Love Machine Xmas Party, and you can find out all the details here. If you’re not signed up to our mailer (why not?) you’ll have missed our exclusive Xmas Megamix. This is a shame for you, but because we’re not total Grinches, we’ve compiled this list of tunes that you can expect to hear if you come down to jingle all the way with us tonight.

1. Mariah Carey - ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’

OBVIOUSLY.

2. Britney Spears - ‘My Only Wish (This Year)’

It’s the Princess of Pop’s 30th birthday today. We may or may not play this frothy little number 30 times in celebration.

3. S Club 7 - Perfect Christmas

Perfectly seasonal.

4. Jackson 5 - ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’

Is there a better version of this song than the Jackson 5 one? Survey says NO.

5. Wham! - Last Christmas

For the lovers.

6. Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree

Festive filth. Let’s falalalala lalalala.

7. Bo Selecta - Proper Crimbo

We needed a novelty tune. It was this or ‘Cheeky Holiday’.

8. Brenda Lee - ‘Rockin Around The Christmas Tree’

Why do we always dance to this like the cardboard cut outs in Home Alone?

9. The Pogues - ‘Fairytale Of New York’ feat. Kirsty MacColl

Who doesn’t shout “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap, lousy faggot!” louder than all the other lyrics?

10. Elton John - ‘Step Into Christmas’

The admission’s free (well, £4).

11. Wizzard - ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’

Amen.

12. Slade - ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’

The old songs are the best. Everyone knows that - not just grannies.

13. The Waitresses - ‘Christmas Wrapping’

We’ll probably play the Spice Girls version too.

14. Girls Aloud - ‘Christmas Round At Ours’

Just superb.

15. Kylie Minogue - ‘Santa Baby’

Without the horribly cheesy video.

Of course there’ll be the usual banging pop hits thrown in amongst the tinselly goodness and more fun than you can even imagine right now. Meet you under the mistletoe you lovely bunch!

Memories of Girls Aloud...

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:50:41 +0000

Do you remember the b-side to Girls Aloud’s ‘The Loving Kind’? A slice of creamy electro paradise sung primarily by Kimberley and Nicola, it was released only on the collectable vinyl which understandably riled fans a little bit because who has the means to play vinyls nowadays? It eventually made its way onto a CD as part of the limited-edition-but-not-really Girls Aloud complete singles boxset, and is considered somewhat of a treasure.

To entice people who have already purchased a copy of Nicola Roberts’ album Cinderella’s Eyes into also parting with £1.99 to support the third single ‘Yo-Yo’, Queen Ginge has recorded a solo version of this track and made it a pre-order only exclusive on iTunes. You can listen to a short clip here.

We realise that it is considered somewhat blasphemous to rate any Solo Aloud material above or beyond Together Aloud material, because everyone’s still a little bit unsure exactly where we all stand re: “The Break” and “The Reunion” and the fanbase is just a tad over-protective about their legacy right now… but we have to be honest. And the truth is that Nicola’s solo version of this track is AMAZING and, dare we say (yes we do), better than the original.

Ms. Roberts - we salute you.

Oh wait… that’s Cheryl’s thing. Sorry.

Love Machine Pick Of The Day: 01/12/11

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:11:13 +0000

Mariah Carey - ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’

The Love Machine Screencap Review: Nicola Roberts - 'Yo-Yo'

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:47:34 +0000

Nicola Roberts is releasing ‘Yo-Yo’ as the third single from her album Cinderella’s Eyes, and just like we did for ‘Beat Of My Drum’ we’ve broken it all down for you through a series of screencaps and added some ~funny captions. Enjoy!

The video opens with a man doing some very nifty yo-yo tricks. The only yo-yo trick we know is “walk the dog”.

Nicola is trying on different outfits for us to judge, we presume. 8/10.

Nice twirl. 5/10.

How very princess-like. 9/10.

“I’m not wearing these shoes they make me cankley.”

Nicola applies some make up. If this was a Britney video, there would be some serious product placement going on right now. Missed opportunity to plug Dainty Doll here.

“Does my bum look big in this?”

“I’m not wearing these shoes either - they give me blisters!”

“Oh fuck, I’ve thrown one of those parties where everyone just hangs out in the kitchen.”

Then we see a couple walking down a street in the dark. They look cute together. Aww.

The guy doing nifty tricks makes the yo-yo jump off its own string. Amazing.

Wait, the guy in the couple from earlier is actually Nicola’s man? We don’t like where this is heading…

HAHAHAHAHAHA. This guy.

“Argh! Why are you all up in my business when I’m trying to dance to camera?”

“Seriously, if you throw me off my groove one more time, I’ll have your balls on toast.”

Behind Nicola’s back, her boyfriend and the girl who we’re now gonna call SLAGFACE are making bedroom eyes at each other. Sads :(

Weird prison shower moment.

These two girls on the left are the best “friends of popstar in a music video” since Accordion Player and Dolphin Hand Girl from Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ video.

Nicola gives some fantastic “singing through a mouthful of shower water” face. What a trooper.

“Listen, I’m well in love with you and stuff. Like that Natasha Bedingfield song. But do you fancy me back though? I don’t know if you fancy me back…”

Nicola walks in on her boyfriend and SLAGFACE pashing outside her flat.

Nicola does some crouch down, head-in-hands crying :(

Nicola and her boyfriend have an argument in the kitchen. It looks like he’s bought her some flowers. Probably from a petrol station forecourt. “These smell like FUEL!”

“TAKE THEM BACK YOU *censored* *censored* *censored* waste of space, pathetic *censored*…”

“…why don’t you just *censored* *censored* *censored* with a *censored* satsuma and then *censored* yourself in the EAR with a *censored* *censored* hair brush and have a *censored* plate to the face and all!”

“PS. YOUR MUM.”

Then Nicola does some crying in the shower. The End.

We love Nicola and we love this video. Shame about the dress she chose to wear in the end though…

So… Kelly Rowland’s album didn’t sell too...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 16:15:47 +0000

So… Kelly Rowland’s album didn’t sell too good, and Beyoncé is NOT happy about it.

We couldn’t count you all the hilarious moments, but when Rihanna pops up to say that she can only talk to Kelly overseas is a highlight.

Chart Troublers

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:51:33 +0000

It’s a slow week for new releases - we’re not particularly enamoured with anything due to hit the charts on Sunday, and besides, Rihanna will probably be #1 again anyway.

With that said, if you’ve got 99p there are worse songs you could spend it on than The X Factor Finalists 2011 (featuring JLS & One Direction) and their cover of ‘Wishing On A Star’ - a song that proves to be so brilliant, not even that motley crew could balls it up. True, the JLS & One Direction “feature” (all of the last 20 seconds of it) is just a cynical way to get more teenage girls to cough up their cash, but in an odd way we kinda like the “JLS! 1D!” cry that heralds their appearance. Most importantly, all proceeds will go to the children’s charity Together For Short Lives. If you caught the VT before the performance of this on Sunday night’s show, you’ll agree that this is a very worthy cause.

In less heart-rending corners, Emeli Sandé releases her second solo single, and her first since bagging a #1 with Professor Green on ‘Read All About It’. There’s a stark franticness to ‘Daddy’ feat. Naughty Boy, but it’s not even close to the epicness of ‘Heaven’. Still, Emeli has an incredibly listenable voice which makes the non-event chorus far more eventful than it should be.

StooShe drop ‘Betty Woz Gone’ in their attempt to become the girl band that sticks. With The Saturdays making a dismal showing on both the album and singles chart, the Girls Aloud reunion allegedly being delayed and the skeletons of the careers of RD, the Sugababes, Soundgirl and Parade being picked apart by pop vulture fanatics along the roadside, the time has never been more ripe for a girl group to make a massive splash. This gutsy, profanity-riddled effort that sounds as if it was lifted from the soundtrack of a streetwise West End musical and even nods to the theme tune from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air probably won’t make more than a ripple, which is a shame. On the other hand, when Little Mix win the X Factor in a couple of weeks, we won’t be mourning these lesser girl groups so much.

Finally, Lady Gaga’s ‘A Very Gaga Holiday’ EP hit UK iTunes towards the end of last week and as you might be able to tell from our Pick of the Day, we’re a tiny bit in love with it. Gaga’s voice is completely breathtaking throughout, and superfans will appreciate the opportunity to own a legitimate copy of her gorgeous cover of ‘Orange Coloured Sky’.

Love Machine Pick Of The Day: 28/11/11

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 12:03:45 +0000

Lady Gaga - ‘The Edge Of Glory’ from A Very Gaga Thanksgiving

Dropping to the floor in awe

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:12:56 +0000

Jennifer Lopez was the Queen of the American Music Awards last night with this incredible medley of songs taken from her latest album LOVE?

Amazing popstar checklist:

head mic (check)
at least one costume change mid-performance (check)
dance break (check)
car prop (check)
walk on by guest “rapper” (check)

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.