Love Machine

Kylie has done an advert for Lexus. Alternative revenue streams…..collapse of recorded music sales….natural product/music synergy…..blah blah blah

Most importantly, this is surely a major pun opportunity.

Here are seven of them:

1. Better the Castrol You Know
2. Slow (Lane)
3. Get Outta My Way Learner Driver
4. Love at First Biting Point
5. Hand on Your Sparkplug
6. In Your De-Eyes-Er
7. Can’t Get You Out of my Hood 

They’re not great are they. Can you think of any better ones? Tweet us: @lovemachineuk and we’ll put the best ones up!

8. 2 Jumpstarts

Awful.

Albums by Kylie and Scissor Sisters. The continued chart domination of dishwater American R’n’B. The rise of synthtastic British talent like Example and Hurts. Matt Cardle. Yes, delving into our drawer of end-of-year cliches, we proclaim 2010 in pop to be ‘a mixed bag’. If you’re after an executive summary, basically lots of things were very good indeed, but nothing was as good as Battlefield by Jordin Sparks.

We’ve gone through the archives to pick out the absolute highlights (and lowlights) of the year, and you can also also check out our Spotify playlist of all our 2010 highlights, including several tracks from our favourite new band, Cardio Workout Crew.

While preparing this list, we listened back to our 2009 highlights playlist to see how it stood up. In a word, surprisingly dated.

So here are those winners in full:

The ‘Chuck out the Tesco application form’ award for best comeback of the year
Take That, The Flood

The ‘Rave keys and swooshes ahoy’ award for banging remix of the year
Russ Chimes, Starry Eyed

The ‘Come back T-Pain, all is forgiven’ award for song that really, really can’t be performed live very well
Katy Perry, Firework

The ‘Travis-doing-Britney’ award for best surprising yet ultimately quite good cover
Joe McElderry, Ambitions

The ‘Cross-brand synergistic asset exploitation’ award for painfully shoehorned rap to introduce an artist to the US market
The Saturdays ft. Flo Rida, Higher

Honourable mention: Alexandra Burke ft. Pitbull, ‘All Night Long’

The ‘Well this is quite jolly’ award for Love Machine dancefloor destruction
Swedish House Mafia ft. Tinie Tempah, Miami 2 Ibiza

The ‘RedOne’ award for relentless self-promotion
Jason DeRulo, Whatcha Say

The ‘Please God don’t be another Orson’ award for best debut single
Ed Drewett, Champagne Lemonade

Honourable mention: Bright Light Bright Light, ‘Love Part II’

And finally…

The ‘Dear God I want to rip my arm off and beat myself over the head with it just to take my mind off this godawful song’ award for the worst pop song of the year
Travie McCoy, Billionnaire

Honourable mentions: Owl City ‘Fireflies’, Florence and the Machine ‘You’ve Got The Love’

The ‘Euphoric air-punching on the night bus’ award for the absolute best pop song of 2010
Rihanna, Only Girl In The World

Honourable mentions: Tinie Tempah ‘Pass Out’, Katy Perry ‘Teenage Dream’

So there you go. Sort yourself out 2011, you’ve got a lot to live up to…

We were just listening to the new Example album and thinking how, at 15 tracks, it’s a bit long. Then this dropped into our inbox:

The Smashing Pumpkins new album, Teargarden by Kaleidyscope, Volume 1: Songs for a Sailor came out a few weeks ago. It’s the first 4 songs of a 44 song album, to be released song by song as MP3’s, and in groups of 4 songs as physical releases.

An album with 44 songs. The Saturdays’ career could be shorter than that at this rate.

But there’s more:

This first release is the most exquisite box set imaginable… a screen-printed wood box containing a 4 song CD, a marbled vinyl 7” record, and a leopard-stone obelisk hand-carved at Macchu Picchu.

A what?

a leopard-stone obelisk hand-carved at Macchu Picchu

That even beats Gaga giving away a lock of her hair in the creepy-and-pretentious-at-the-same-time stakes.

Whatever next: Example giving away a CD’n’Nandos box set? Kylie giving away Dannii?

Anyway, if anyone thinks they can compete with Rammstein they’re very much mistaken:

And an inflatable elephant. And lots of attractive writhing people. And bloody KYLIE!

Yes, this ticks all the boxes on the Love Machine list-of-things-that-make-a-great-video (you’d be surprised how often people forget the elephant.)

We will be playing this at least 4 times at Love Machine on Friday.