Love Machine

Just before Christmas, when Scissor Sisters announced that they had a new single and a new album all ready to go in 2012 and the single is called ‘Shady Love’ featuring Azealia Banks and would be getting its first play on January 2nd (ie. today) we were practically shivering with anticipation -  new Scissor Sisters material is always an event.

We were somewhat perplexed then, when this track hit our eardrums an hour or so ago.

Shady Love (Clean) by Scissor Sisters Official

Jake Shears rapping? What are we to make of that?

Well, a few plays later we’ve decided that we quite like ‘Shady Love’. We like Scissor Sisters best when they’re being fun and ‘Shady Love’ is definitely high on the fun spectrum.

As an aside - the track is officially billed as Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy. While most sites are reporting that Krystal Pepsy is Azealia’s pseudonym on this track, we’re sure that Jake Shears has a side DJ project under the same name. WHO IS KRYSTAL PEPSY?

Lana Del Rey is basically everywhere right now, so we’re jumping on the bandwagon and honouring her success the only way we do best - with a Love Machine Screencap Review…

The video opens on this scene of Lana hugging a man with lots of tattoos in front of an American flag. Very patriotic.

We then see Lana sitting apathetically on a throne in some fancy church palace thing with her pet tigers…

…before the scene switches to Lana meeting up with Tattoo Guy in the middle of nowhere under a rather ominous sky.

Amazing flower hat crown alert!

Lana and Tattoo Guy get all up on each other (as the kids say) in the car, which doesn’t look really big enough for the purpose.

A shot of a fancy ceiling.

Lana and Tattoo Guy smoke a roll up cigarette that may or may not have extra ingredients in. We don’t know. We don’t like to speculate.

In the church palace, one of Lana’s tigers quite fancies a bathroom break.

Tattoo Guy makes gun fingers at Lana’s head…

…and then gets quite forceful and she doesn’t look like she’s having fun anymore.

The scene changes to Lana lying on a bed. We get funeral home vibes from the flowers.

Suddenly, Tattoo Guy appears behind her on the bed…

…but Lana doesn’t seem happy to see him. Maybe she prefers being the Big Spoon?

They get off the bed and Lana stands in front of a door looking like a tragic bride while Tattoo Guy stands in the background looking sinister.

Then they get in a car and drive down a dark road. Watch out for random boulders.

Lana dramatically wipes condensation from her window. We do this in the car too, and pretend we’re in a music video. We’re jealous of Lana living our dream.

Tattoo Guy is lingering in the background again with that sinister air about him. 

Church palace Queen Lana makes a cut-throat gesture with her thumb. 

Back in the car, Tattoo Guy stops driving to kiss Lana instead. Boulders or no boulders, this is not going to end well :(

Another gratuitous ceiling shot.

Queen Lana’s tigers are lying down looking thoroughly bored. Or maybe they’re sad. Because they know this story won’t have a happy ending. Can tigers sense death? Or is that strictly a dog thing?

More ceiling porn. Seriously - what’s with all the ceiling shots?

Lana walks down a fancy corridor. Where is she going? No one knows.

An inevitable conclusion :( And really quite graphic actually. There should be a Parental Advisory sticker over her FACE.

The camera zooms out, silhouetting Tattoo Guy against the flames. Epic.

The video ends as it began. We don’t understand the significance, but it’s nice to complete the circle.

And that, as they say, is that. But what do we think of the video as a whole? Well, it’s cinematically wonderful really. Very sumptuous and dramatic and dark - kinda like how Lady Gaga used to be when her videos were as brilliant as the ‘Paparazzi’ one. Well done, Lana.

The BBC Sound Of longlist was released yesterday and it’s the usual mix of obvious up and coming stars, will-they / won’t they make it acts and people you’ve never heard of. Thing is, rarely are these nominees the actual Sound Of an entire year - I mean, in 2011 we couldn’t move for Pitbull & Ne-Yo or LMFAO and they didn’t make any Sound Of lists. We’ve decided to predict the REAL Sound Of 2012, based on what will probably be unavoidable in shops, on the radio and come the first Friday of every month at Club Love Machine.

For part one, we’re looking at acts already on our radar who will be blowing up our speakers January to December. From returning old favourites to X Factor alumni, they’re going to be EVERYWHERE next year.

COMEBACK KIDS

MADONNA

Madonna’s first single for 3 years has already leaked in demo form onto the internet and honestly doesn’t sound anything like ‘Beat Of My Drum’ by Head Ginge In Charge Nicola Roberts no matter who tells you different. ‘Give Me All Your Love’ is a Martin Solveig production and it sounds very much like a Martin Solveig production - ie. light, bouncing and lots of fun. Madonna has been confirmed as half-time entertainment at the Super Bowl in February where she will be joined by M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj for the very first live performance of ‘Give Me All Your Love’. Beyond that, another studio album will follow quite soon afterwards with William Orbit also on production duties. Madonna albums are always a huge event and we can’t wait to hear it.

NO DOUBT

The long awaited No Doubt album which by rights we should already have by now, is looking more likely to be with us in the first half of next year. From what the band have revealed in interviews and judging from their tweets, the creative process has been a bit of a strain this time around, with a perfectionist attitude delaying the output. We of course don’t begrudge No Doubt for wanting everything to be just so, but we do wish they’d bloody hurry up with it. And if it could be a bit like ‘Hella Good’ mashed with all the most awesome parts from Gwen’s L.A.M.B. album that would be top notch.

CHERYL COLE

It’s been a tricky year for Ms. Cole. After being unceremoniously dumped from The X Factor USA she’s kept a fairly low profile, only emerging to put her face to charitable and fashion causes (Help The Heroes and her new shoe collection for Stylist Pick, for example). We know a new Cheryl album is coming though, because she’s now pon de Twitter and has been tweeting about it. We also know that she’s been working with people like Taio Cruz, Alex da Kid, Jim Beanz and of course, her manager, mentor and bff will.i.am. Will she improve on the 80% r&b-lite garbage she’s given us so far and deliver ‘Promise This’ x12? We fucking hope so.

STEPS

Now this is a true comeback in every sense of the word. Steps split acrimoniously back in 2001 and now, after ten years, they’ve returned to exorcise their demons and go back on the road for a truly unprecedented nationwide arena tour. Having initially sneered at the idea of a Steps reunion being successful, we had to humbly eat our words after becoming hooked on their Sky Living documentary and buying ourselves tickets to see the band next year. Whether this comeback will yield any new material from Steps, other than their cover of ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ we don’t know, but we’re definitely onboard for whatever comes next.

X FACTOR FINALISTS

LITTLE MIX

Favourites to win the competition on Sunday night, Little Mix have the potential to finally go all the way and fill that gaping girlband chasm left by the implosion of the Sugababes, the hibernation of Girls Aloud and the failure of The Saturdays to step up and take the throne. What we’d like to see with Little Mix is a killer pop/r&b single that allows them to absolutely own every other artist out there. Like their redefining performance of ‘Don’t Let Go (Love)’ by En Vogue. But an original song.

MISHA B

The Cher Lloyd of X Factor 2011, she never did manage to bounce back from those bullying allegations, but it was clearly obvious from week 1 that Misha B was already a fully-fledged popstar and X Factor wasn’t going to do much for her other than get her recognised. A solid urban-pop album from Misha B would slot very nicely into our iTunes somewhere alongside Missy Elliott and Jennifer Hudson. Rumour has it that she’s already lined up to work with Fazer from N-Dubz. We’d like to request Labrinth and Fraser T Smith too, thanks.

ALEXANDRA BURKE

Everything Alexandra Burke is confusing at the moment. We know absolutely nothing for certain about her next album campaign other than the fact that we know absolutely nothing for certain. Alexandra had some of the best singles of 2009 and 2010 though and so we have every confidence that 2012 will bring us more of the same. Okay.com. Thank you.

CHER LLOYD

Obnoxious teen-brat Cher Lloyd actually managed to pull it out of the bag in the album department and she hasn’t performed too badly on the singles front either. We expect next year to bring a lot more brash, balls out swagger-pop from the girl that puts dub on the track. BRING IT ON.

NEW-ISH KIDS ON THE BLOCK

LABRINTH

Famed for being the sound-whizz behind Tinie Tempah’s biggest hits, Labrinth released his first solo single ‘Let The Sun Shine’ in 2010 and then disappeared for a bit. No one could have known he would return in the last few months of 2011 with a monster tune like ‘Earthquake’ which is sonically incredible. His debut album is coming soon, and we fully expect it to be the next ‘21’. Except maybe not quite that successful.

EMELI SANDE

Emeli Sandé did an excellent job of establishing herself as hard-hitter in the last half of 2011 and if anything on her album is as good as ‘Heaven’, that reign will continue into 2012. Bet on it. She’s also been writing for Susan Boyle and Leona Lewis, extending her musical reach to the kind of people who listen to music by Susan Boyle and Leona Lewis… supermarket shoppers.

COVER DRIVE

‘Lick Ya Down’ was a top 10 hit for this Caribbean pop band that sound a bit like a Rihanna you can take home to meet your parents and we genuinely love their vibrant, tropical sound. If all goes to plan, they’ll be on every T4 and Capital line up possible throughout 2012. 

Part 2 tomorrow…

Do you remember the b-side to Girls Aloud’s ‘The Loving Kind’? A slice of creamy electro paradise sung primarily by Kimberley and Nicola, it was released only on the collectable vinyl which understandably riled fans a little bit because who has the means to play vinyls nowadays? It eventually made its way onto a CD as part of the limited-edition-but-not-really Girls Aloud complete singles boxset, and is considered somewhat of a treasure.

To entice people who have already purchased a copy of Nicola Roberts’ album Cinderella’s Eyes into also parting with £1.99 to support the third single ‘Yo-Yo’, Queen Ginge has recorded a solo version of this track and made it a pre-order only exclusive on iTunes. You can listen to a short clip here.

We realise that it is considered somewhat blasphemous to rate any Solo Aloud material above or beyond Together Aloud material, because everyone’s still a little bit unsure exactly where we all stand re: “The Break” and “The Reunion” and the fanbase is just a tad over-protective about their legacy right now… but we have to be honest. And the truth is that Nicola’s solo version of this track is AMAZING and, dare we say (yes we do), better than the original.

Ms. Roberts - we salute you.

Oh wait… that’s Cheryl’s thing. Sorry.

Mariah Carey - ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’